for the first time in my life, it bothers me that people constantly surround me. they act like by going where i go, they're doing me some sort of favor, & that maybe i'll appreciate it. i think not. so lets just get married & you can tell me how stupid the classics are, come on romeo, you arent living up to what i expected, i'd be lying if i said i wanted to change anything, except maybe your timing or lack thereof. someone was watching & made me smile with, "he just wishes he could find a twenty-nine year old that pretty, funny & smart." & i thought, good opinions are deadly.

"if you just picture it in your mind" it doesnt make it any better, it just makes you want it sooner, & seven months later you realize you havent advanced any, except he maybe thinks about you too much, but hey, its a start.

dont kid yourself, you've barely got your foot through the door & everyone makes this big deal about you like maybe you arent ordinary, but the one person you want to be charmed you never get a minute alone with & lets not add insult to injury, hes an anti-romantic, hes your prince charming & this is getting frustrating. dont smile at me because until i put it into words i wont be worth anything, well i dont think this ones my fault. heres an idea, i just want to get laid, yeah, & i almost forgot how old i was.

i'd really prefer having meaningless flings with these distractions than try to fake any lasting feelings, but i always enjoy being misleading. maybe this wont come as easy as it used to, if we have to try we might change. i use fantasies to cope with reality, & someday it might become a bad habit & it might not make me better. this used to scare me but now i want it. i want this complication & confusion & subtlety. i want your warped ideas about love & "the point is to not get so crazy", i want to prove you wrong.

i was born into this. it wasnt gradual & i remember things i used to ignore, you & that ugly shirt & the look you gave me when i walked by your class. that was a year ago & you didnt mean enough to me to have a name. now everything reminds me of you & my days are shot if you dont make it to my locker in the morning. this distant dependency is sickening.

it irritates me that i can get (& have gotten) guys that are far better looking than you. & funnier, & smarter, & just better all around. & i dont care about ANY of them. i care about you & yeah, i get that thats the whole point of this love thing, but i want to see you try to explain it. i'm all ears, tell me why i look for you in places i know you wont be.

before & after