if you couldnt already tell, i wrote this over the course of a week.
we're breaking apart & we've become dangerous to ourselves & sanity - safety shattered the minute i walked through your door. she is lost. she doesnt know what shes doing or where shes going. she doesnt know how to be graceful anymore but she knows where she wants to be. she breaks her own heart & she thinks, "this used to come so easily." but now hes standing there doing his trademark act she still cant describe. & she knows. this is real. the moment was perfection, like the universe had rearranged itself so that they could be tested. but they failed like they've done since the beginning of time, the love fatal mistake - she walked away & he let her. the moment was perfection, & she talked herself down to error. & as soon as the distance is far, she thinks, she should have stayed. she makes promises to herself, she swears she'll be brave. but when you're with him & he's smiling like he remembers, or when he looks at you like this distance is killing him, you'll play it cool, & let your passion be forgotten while you sleep. so now its days later & she was brave on one of them. he keeps smiling at her & waiting for her to look. but she wont. its safe to say shes washing her hands clean of this. but what of her heart? when he's gone she dreams & wishes like she never grew up, but when hes standing there waiting she ignores him & acts like nothing ever happened. at least, nothing that can be explained. nothing you can be sure of. oh but shes never been so sure of anything. the trouble is, days later, weeks after, she doesnt know if it was all in her head. his facial expressions, his tone, his smile...its possible the mind creates these things out of desperation. its over now. she acts so casual as she realizes how much he's a part of her. its insanity. its what she wanted minus what matters. & its always, "oh, but if he were here now.." fuck. you make me bite my lip. this is out of control & not going anywhere. it came to an end & i barely even noticed. i did something a little bit unique, but more importantly i did something a little too cliched. i fell in love with a boy, one of those slow asses who doesnt make his move when the time is right. his hair is always messy. i doubt he even brushes it. he cant dress himself & he plays the guitar. he's almost twice my age & he confuses me on a regular basis. understand that i might try to see him over the summer, but until then, let it be known that i've washed my hands clean of this.
its not fair that it never started.
she cant regret what didnt happen. or maybe thats what bothers her. now that its over, maybe she'll make some changes. she thinks, "i'll be braver. i'll listen to my horoscope. i'll be content to be thought foolish."
if's are as good as failures these days.